phoeny: (ღCelesღ Your Kingdom is Crumbling)
[personal profile] phoeny
I still remember.

Sometimes when traveling around the city, I still remember. It's like when I pass through the Brooklyn or Manhattan Bridges, I see the skyline and it triggers that day a decade ago. Because I miss seeing those two buildings standing taller than the buildings surrounding it.

Mom shuffles through our old photo albums because my cousins are marrying. The last time I saw my British cousins were back in '98, and the only photos we have were on Ellis Island, and those photos were shot with the Twin Towers in the background.

I actually had a post about 9/11 although the topic was on the validity of conspiracy theories, so I'm not gonna repeat what I said back then. But from the post I still remember the exact time when my biology class was notified. I was only in the 6th grade. At the time...well time slowed down and I ended up memorizing the clock on the wall after the news. That's how I know, and I don't think that could be erased from my memories. Although, it HAS been a decade and now the minute hand gets more vague as each year passes by.

I feel like later in my life I would just remember it was only a couple of hours later and not 10:30. I used to know the exact times of the two attacks (not the Pentagon) and now I only remember one. 8:46am, and even then I admit, I'm not 100% sure.

But at the time when I first heard, lunchtime was different. It was somber, although I didn't dwell too much on it, like 6th graders playing cards. However there were whispers of other kids' parents or relatives who were near the area. Then I was worried for Dad, since he drove a limo and most of his business was in Manhattan. My stomach kinda dropped as I went home and flicked on the TV to find there were no channels available, except for the really crappy ones based in New Jersey. And all they showed were planes hitting the buildings. The WTC on fire. In an endless loop. I shut it off and played my VHS tapes that were filled with singing lions and mice, and Cinderella and things that were far, far away from my reality.

The few days after, they showed a man falling from the building. It was horrifying. That was played repeatedly too.

I did not feel normal. Normal was a time when I didn't think about Manhattan, when we didn't have to apply for aid from FEMA because Dad nearly lost his job because of 9/11. When we have to be cautious of even stepping on Manhattan Island. When people talk about the dust pervading the whole of NYC for weeks, months after.

I started feeling better when the radio came back on. When Elvis Duran and Z100 came back on, and went on with their funny morning shows like nothing happened. I don't remember crying.

In fact, I don't remember the immediate days after 9/11. Whenever I see newspaper articles back in 2001, they're all surreal because I don't remember it.

I am reminded of all these whenever I see that particular spot in the Manhattan skyline. And today I was triggered when the 9/11 Memorial Special was on the History Channel when I was at the gym.

Sometimes I wonder if I can watch something like that without being reminded, without the images being played like automatically in my head.
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phoeny

April 2012

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